Celebrate? Trying...

It's here - the day has arrived. A day that would typically be filled with anticipation and celebration for any other family. Today is my Ayden's birthday. I'm trying really, really hard to just make it another day - get up, get Brady to school, go to work - but my thoughts keep drifting off.

What would he be like today? He'd be turning 6. Christ! 6!! It's hard to believe. I'd have probably bought him toy trucks and maybe even a new bike. My family would come over and we'd all have dinner together - something that Ayden got to pick out, which is our family tradition. What would he have picked? Barbecue chicken and corn on the cob, like his mom? Or would he pick Mom's famous chessy turkey loaf, like his brother with the odd tastes? We'd have chocolate cake that I would have made last night and ice cream and open presents.

But, today is just another day of what if's. This morning, as I was getting ready to go, the strangest thought crossed my mind: what if I'd have gotten pregnant the first month we'd started trying, instead of the second month? Would I have had a baby that would have seen his or her sixth birthday? What would my life had been like today if that course of events had been altered by such a tiny change? Impossible to know. But, what I do know, is that no matter how horrific and traumatic losing my beautiful baby was, that is the road that was chosen for me and my family to walk down. I cannot change the past - nor would I want to - I can only live in the present and hope for the future.

And that is what today has come to symbolize for me - hope. Hope that I can remember everything about him. Hope that I can carry his memory with me forever. Hope that I can pass on those memories to his brother. Hope that I can pass on the things I learned to those that need my advice. Hope that won't forget the sound of his little voice. Hope that he is looking down on his mommy and is proud.

My Bucket List

The older I get, and as my life goes from this stage to that - usually before I realize that the old stage is over and the new stage has begun - I have quite often found myself saying, 'That's something I want to do in my lifetime.' So, as many of us have done, I am putting together my bucket list. Maybe you'll move through my list and be able to add a few to your own; or, maybe you'll just think I'm nuts. No matter what thoughts cross your mind as you read through my list, this is a compilation of feats, ongoing and ever-changing, I hope to accomplish during my time on this great blue marble:

(In no particular order)

• See the Northern Lights
• Hike across a glacier
• Scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef
• Learn to surf
• Fly an airplane
• Skydive
• Spend the night in the desert counting stars
• Pretend like I'm a gladiator in the Coliseum
• Camp at Everest Base Camp
• Wing walk
• Stand in the center of Stonehenge
• Explore the Galapagos Islands
• Sip vino in Italy
• Live in Alaska for one year - experience the longest and the shortest days
• WW raft the Victoria Nile
• Swim in the Aegean Sea
• Drive across the US
• Eat gelato while perched on the side of the Trevi Fountain
• Run (and finish) a marathon
• Backpack across Ireland
• Go crabbing
• Be part of a live TV audience
• Build something with my own two hands to give to someone as a gift
• Learn to ride a motorcycle
• Become fluent in another language
• Play/sing with a band in front of a live audience
• Finish a crossword puzzle without cheating
• Get my Master's degree
• Experience the ball drop in New York's Times Square in person
• Watch the sun come up before going to bed
• Really learn how to forgive

As I read back over these, I can honestly say that I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the things I want to do, however, I couldn't imagine ending this life without at least trying to accomplish most of them. And, please, feel free to share your own bucket list.